I started this post a year ago and wasn’t in the best head space still to finish it. Even throughout last year I would open this post to write, and it would bring up all the feels again and I couldn’t continue writing.
Fast forward to now, 4 months into motherhood and I feel like I’ve really come to peace that my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. In fact, I realize it was a pivotal moment in my life that built me to be a better mom now. So, I finally want to share what I did throughout last year to help me with my grief for anyone else in the same boat.
A little back story for anyone new:
My husband and I decided to start a family October 2021. We tried a couple months and found out I was pregnant December 24th. I was OVER the moon, immediately told Josh and our families over Christmas and was so excited for an August baby. There were a lot of things off about that pregnancy, my “dates” never lined up and I was further along than I expected but again, the ovulation/ my last period dates were off and the whole thing was weird. My levels all checked out and I waited until “8 weeks” for an ultrasound and found out mid-January that I lost the baby around 7 weeks. Waited 2 more weeks to confirm the loss, and confirmed it.
I never “miscarried” so I went forward with the D&C to remove everything. Gosh writing that out still brings tears to my eyes. I was soooo excited to be a mom and I still remember that stomach pit feeling waking up from my D&C to a nurse and feeling so empty and heartbroken.
Things that helped my waiting season:
The waiting season is so tough. So many unknowns… I felt it in my heart I was going to be a mom but the unknown of what the following months of trying were going to be like totally stole my joy. I tried really really hard to focus on myself and healing my heart from loss.
- Devotional recommendation: Seeing beautiful again
- SUCH a good one for anyone dealing with any sort of loss or heartbreak (doesn’t have to be miscarriage)
- Book recommendation: Embrace Your Almost
- This one is so great and all about embracing a season of life that was ALMOST what you wanted it to be but then it all changed. Jordan also had miscarriages and relates a lot of the book back to that heartbreak.
- Therapy once a week
- Walks: Getting outside, walking, and listening to a worship playlist, was so good for me every day
- Focusing on what I CAN control. Learned this through therapy but putting my energy into what I can control helped me forget about things I can’t control like conceiving again and keeping the pregnancy. For example:
- Lifestyle changes… I focused my time changing our home products to be non toxic. Check out this post for more details on that.
- Healthy eating and foods, I read this Organic foods book which talked a lot about the toxins in your home and food
- Staying in shape and feeling good
- Muting on social media: I was super sensitive to accounts I followed that shared pregnancy updates when we were due around the same time, I had to mute stories for a few people to help me. I felt so guilty doing it but it really helped! Mute who you need to until you’re in a better headspace.
- Journaling: I would journal nightly and weekly and it’s amazing to look back on now. So many raw thoughts and feelings… plus it was really great when I was expecting again to look back on previous weeks of so many prayers and to see how each week I got over some of my fears.
- Staying positive and switching my mindset: For example, I found I was really focused on the negative “what-ifs” like, “what if I lose my second pregnancy” “what if I can’t have children” “what if it takes us a year to get pregnant again”… I had to switch my mindset to more positive thoughts like “what if I get pregnant this month” “what if I make it to 12 weeks”, etc.
- Book the trips- My husband and I booked a little quarter life crisis trip to Miami where we drank, partied, spent time together, and had a BLAST. It was truly soul healing.
- “Memorializing”- It helped me to slowly let go after I “memorialized” my miscarriage. However that looks for you! My MIL gifted me a rose bush for Mother’s Day last year and now I always look at it each time it blooms and smile. My husband and I also got matching wing tattoos in honor of our first pregnancy and it’s the sweetest daily remembrance. I know some people will get bracelets/jewelry, plant something in the garden, etc.
“and after the storm, came the rainbow”–
The waiting season is hard, but then expecting again after loss is hard too. I would sit in therapy each week and cry about how scared I was. I didn’t want to go through the whole process again. Leaning on all of the above tactics through first trimester helped me so much. Here’s a few more things I did to help my anxiety:
- Devotional recommendation: Courageously Expecting
- I had a friend give me this and it meant so much to me. It walks you through each week of your pregnancy with prayer, validating the worries, and ways to help get to the next week.
- Only focusing on the current week / month
- I worry about/ focus on the future a lot and when I was expecting again it was hard to not be like “what if something happens later on this time”. Making goals each week to get through the current week and only focusing on the current milestones helped me find a little joy in that phase. I celebrated when I made it to 12 weeks, and then 20, and then 24 weeks, etc. I tried not to focus too far ahead of where I was at.
That was a short season of life but it felt like it lasted for years. I hope this post helps anyone walking through miscarriage right now and if you are… I’m sending you my love! I hope your rainbow is coming soon. xoxo
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